New dates!
Mask up and get ready!
New article on ladyspike media.com
When a person asks you out on a date in February, you should obviously take it as a romantic gesture and assume they want a big commitment. After all, it is the month of the two sexiest holidays, Valentine’s Day and President’s Day.
Do not show up to your date empty-handed! Follow along with our gift guide for ideas on how to make a great impression and send the right message to your new boo.
1. An exotic vacation
An exotic vacation is a great way to show your new love interest how into them you are. It doesn’t really matter that you do not know their work schedule or if they have an outstanding warrant in that state, what matters is that you bought these tickets and hotel and honestly the rest sounds like a “them” problem. It’s called an escape because it’s hard to get out of.
2. A ring
If you really want to make a bold impression, a ring is the perfect Valentine’s Day present. Make sure you don’t hit up any of their friends or family for permission or styling ideas, you would not want to ruin the surprise! If they react negatively in any way, the old “I’m just kidding” line works great, or double down with “I have never felt this way about anyone before.” You have a 50/50 shot of making this the start of a great marriage and a 100 percent shot of making this the most memorable first date ever.
3. A vial of your blood
If you are on a budget and can’t afford the other gifts on our list, a vial of blood is the most cost-efficient gift. Add a chic chain to hold the blood on a necklace, like Angelina Jolie famously did on the red carpet. Make sure it is YOUR blood. Anyone else’s would just make you look like a weirdo.
4. “Cool Girl Gift Basket”
If any of these ideas come off as a little strong to you and you’d like to take a chance of not impressing the love of your life, you could settle for a gift basket. Load the basket with their favorite DVDs, video games, gift cards to their favorite restaurant, and all the other things you know about them from stalking their social media. Do not include anything that you like, as you are a “cool girl” and will easily adapt their personality traits to suit them.
5. A photo of you
A photo of yourself is a great gift for your first date! Be creative in how you give them this gift. Leave the framed photo on their desk at work or on their bedside table. Do not leave a note. You can tell them all about how you got in when you go to dinner that night!
Enjoy your last “single” Valentine’s Day and let us know which gift you went with on Twitter.
My astrology guide
The moon, the sun and some planets are moving into a new alignment. This means your life will most likely remain the same…except you will have something new to overthink. While technically The Age of Aquarius lasts 2,160 years, you can bring it up for the next 3,000 as a reason why you aren’t acting like yourself lately. Get ready to retire that whole “Mercery in retrograde” line and replace it with “Age of Aquarius!”
Capricorn- You can blame the Age of Aquarius on how defensive you seem to always get. Reading this made you defensive, didn’t it?
Aquarius- It’s your time to shine! This is the perfect excuse to keep making everything about you.
Pisces- Get your weighted blanket, grab that cookie dough, and do not move until you start getting messages that people are worried about you. Use the Age of Aquarius as the perfect excuse to be a hardcore hermit.
Aries- Are you being overly honest to the point where you are offending your friends and family? Oops, sorry. It’s the moon and stuff.
Taurus- Ding, dent in the car. Boop, knee on the coffee table. Whoops, poked yourself in the eye while talking wildly with your hands. It could be that you are clumsy, or it could be… Aquarius Season.
Gemini- You’ve had people call you flakey your entire life. Double down! Use this new alignment as the reason why you’re 4 hours late instead of your typical “stumble in 10 minutes late with an iced coffee” late.
Cancer- Well, well, well… if it isn’t the consequences of your own actions. Oh no wait, it must be someone else’s fault. Even better, it’s The Age of Aquarius. (Remember: it’s never you!)
Leo- You keep adding things to your online shopping carts in the hopes of feeling something. Let this season give you permission to hit “purchase.” I overdrafted my account again? Must be the Age of Aquarius.
Virgo- We know you can’t control your facial expressions. If you find yourself overly judgmental, try to make your face and your silence match. Can’t pull that off? Blame it on the planets.
Libra- Blame the Age of Aquarius as an excuse to color coordinate and alphabetize everything.
Scorpio- A coat doesn’t really go with your outfit. Your dress would look better with open toed shoes— who cares if it is snowing? New season, new reason to dress how you want (you warm blooded pyscho).
Sagittarius- Since you love to laugh and make a jokes, the Age of Aquarius is the perfect excuse for when you made that super dark joke during your best friend’s vulnerable moment.
Show tonight!
Bonfire with Wedding Season starts on January 9th, Saturday, from 9:00PM to 10:00PM Eastern / 6:00PM to 7:00PM Pacific.
The Stand-Up Comedy Show where all the jokes are Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed (another comic's joke), and Something Blue (dirty jokes)! This show is in honor of everyone who had to postpone or cancel their wedding plans or just said 'screw it' and eloped. Join us over Zoom and drink a toast to love and comedy!
My newest article on LadySpike
The great American road trip has been a symbol of freedom for young, hip and single women for decades. Whatever the reasons- be it the typical post college epic meltdown you have before you get a job, your first breakup, your “I hate my job so I am just going to quit and live off the land” trip or some sort of “mommy needs an escape” adventure, women have been pairing up and hitting the open road together to solidify their friendships and overcome their feelings together.
Ester and Mindy, both in their late twenties, had been on the road for 6 days when we approached them for an interview at truck stop in Arizona. At first, they tried to pepper spray our team, but once we explained who we were, they were happy to tell us all about their trip.
“I was having a really rough time in my normal life and in my routine. I had a bad breakup and nothing on my vision board was coming true. I decided I needed to do something spontaneous,” said Mindy. Ester came along for emotional support and because she has the most hotel points. “So far we have seen a lot of the southwest and I am thinking of joining Talkspace, or stamps.com. We have been listening to a lot of podcasts…” she continued.
“I bought a cowgirl hat from a gas station a few towns over, so you can say we are having a pretty crazy time,” laughed Ester. “I didn’t think we could get any closer, but since we’ve been on the road, Mindy and I have bonded more than ever. We have also argued about where to eat more than we ever have before. But overall, best time ever.”
The women plan on staying on the road until Mindy feels better about facing reality. In the meantime, they added visits to local hot springs and casinos to their road trip agenda. They also asked if we knew of any places that offer vision quests or peyote experiences, but we did not.
“I really want to just dig deep within myself and do some soul searching,” said Mindy.
Authorities found Mindy and Ester’s car in the bottom of a canyon early the next morning. No notes were found in the car or in their hotel room, but an investigation of their phone’s internet activity did confirm they rented “Thelma and Louise” the night before.
Happy Stories
My mom texted me last weekend and told me that I should write a “happy story”. Just reading that message made me audibly laugh (pfffffff!), for two reasons.
The first reason is that the subtext of that text is that my stories aren’t happy. Are they sad? This had me questioning myself! Ever since I was a kid, I tried to write plot twists and lots of hidden drama between the characters. Even now, I try to white girl M. Night Shyamalan all of my endings. I guess I never realized that most of my stories aren’t traditionally “happy” ones. Interesting.
The second reason her text made me chuckle, is because it’s such a MOM thing to say. Why don’t you relax more? Why do you worry so much? You should write a happy story! Ah yes, why haven’t I thought of this. You know I didn’t trust you when you told me I should bring a light jacket, and you telling me to calm down that one time definitely didn’t work, but something about this one makes more sense.
My mom and I don’t text as much as I’d like. She lives far away from me and I don’t get to see her often either. If it were up to me we would live in the same city and she would french braid my hair every morning, but she can’t, so we settle for a few chats a month. When we do actually text, it’s usually one sentence at a time. “Stay safe” is the one we use most often. But there are also random gems like these.
Riveting content, I know, but this is our love language. We make sure we are fed, entertained, and happy.
Our other love language is humor. I got my humor from my mom. She’s funny, but not in the typical mom way. My mom kills it in the meme game.
While I am spewing every opinion I have on Facebook or indulging in depressing news stories that give me anxiety, my mom reposts funny memes. That’s all she does online. My mom reposts memes. Good ones. Funny ones. Heartwarming and happy-cry inducing memes. Her profile photo is her wearing a sombrero on her birthday, tequila in hand, and her most recent meme is about how baby stingrays look like mini ravioli. If I scroll down farther, I’ll get stuck looking at her reposts for an hour.
I’ve had an emotionally terrible few months, and I’d like nothing more than to write some really weird stories. However, watching my mom see the glass half full, and post these little uplifting and hilarious things each day makes me smile, and makes me want to write a happy story. So here it is. It’s short:
Once upon a time there was a mom who had been though some stuff. As had her daughter, and probably 97% of the world. (New Zealand seems to be doing just fine.) Every day when the daughter was feeling blue, she would accidentally scroll past the ridiculous things her mom posted online, and it would make her smile. She realized that people wouldn’t be able to enjoy any story unless there was a mix of good and bad in it. We need it both emotions. There is no story that doesn’t have some sort of setback, even the happy ones. We need the setbacks to recognize the growth of a character and that the ending was happy. And THAT made her happy—to realize she was only in the middle of her own story.
The end.
How’s that, mom?
2020 is a joke
Full video is now live on YouTube!
2020 is a joke
I filmed before and after my sets for a year. I’ve decided to throw them together into a short documentary. Here’s the trailer!
The Meeting- a short story told in parts. PART 1
The Meeting
Dex wondered why Annie always wore polka dots. Every time he had seen her, she was wearing some sort of polka dot attire. A dress. A cardigan. Surely she owned other clothes that weren’t covered in dots? He found them to be classy and flattering on her, sure. But Annie was a young and trendy girl and polka dots were so old fashioned. Perhaps they were being worn ironically, he thought.
He snapped out of his polka dot trance at the sound of a throat clearing cough by the heavy man next to him. How long have I been staring at her? Three members have spoken and Dex couldn’t recall a word they said. He knew it was wrong to look at her. Annie was half his age. She could have been his daughter in another life, if any of the women he had loved would have been that brave. He drank the rest of his black coffee and put the styrofoam cup at his feet so he was free to readjust his body into the plastic chair. People turned to look at his loud and squeaky contortion routine, but not Annie. Annie kept her eyes focused on the speaker, or occasionally at the Christmas Tree in the corner.
Alcoholics Anonymous at the community center wasn’t his favorite way to spend an evening, but he knew he had to keep going. Work the program. He didn’t speak up, and he rarely offered any nonverbal support like a head nod. Mostly he sat with his arms folded which gave the others in the meeting the impression he was angry, or embarrassed, or sad, or just waiting to leave so he could drink. But he wasn’t any of those things. He was mainly thinking about polka dots.
Annie could feel Dex’s eyes on her, even when she wasn’t speaking. Normally, blank stares are the kind of thing that would make her feel uneasy, but this kind of raw vulnerability and open sharing makes everyone feel uneasy, so it was fine. She could see that when she spoke, Dex would perk up and pay attention. He would linger on every word she said. And when she was through with her feelings, he would hunch back down and slide into his seat.
Tonight was the night. After the meeting ended, he grabbed his jacket and was the first one out the door to grab a smoke. Every other time he would smoke in his car while he watched Annie talk to the other members in the parking lot. He would watch her walk to the bus stop and see how friendly she was, talking to strangers that approached her. But this time, he stood outside and paced in anticipation of their first conversation. Finally. Tonight.
Annie left the community center happy. She always felt good after meetings, because meetings means more contacts, and more contacts means more money for her. She always sold the most pills around the holidays.
“Annie, hey…” he started walking towards her.
“Hi there, dude who never talks in group,” she responded, laughing at her own joke.
“Well, it is…anonymous, right?” he was nervous. Get to the stupid fucking point. “ I wanted to ask you something. It’s… well… I hope this doesn’t sound too weird.”
“Are you asking me out on a date?”
She's busting your balls. She doesn’t really think that. Look at her smile. She knows you're nervous.
“No,” he laughed, letting her know he was in on the joke. “It’s not a date. It’s something that I need.
“I understand,” she said, moving a step closer. Her voice lowered. “It’s 10 a hit for new customers and I only take cash, now.”
So easy. So much easier that it even should be.
Dex hated the thought of completing the transaction because of what it would mean. A relapse? No. Not that. Dexter doesn’t take drugs, and he isn’t even a heavy drinker. It would mean seeing Annie in metaphorical stripes and not actual dots. He would have to testify against her. He would have a lot of paperwork to fill out back at the precinct. But it would mean one less meeting he would have to sit though, and one less shitty cup of coffee he’d have to drink, and that was good enough reason for him.
My newest article
After a week-long search, rescue workers were finally able to locate the 30-year-old woman who went missing at a National Park. The woman, who is asking to remain anonymous, was found severely dehydrated and delirious but in stable condition and was airlifted to a local hospital.
She intended to go for a 3-mile hike on a popular trail but was distracted by a butterfly and ventured off the main path. “It was going to be a great photo,” she said. After she was unable to find her way back onto the trail, she thought she heard the sound of a waterfall and decided to follow it. “TLC was right,” she later commented, “Stick to the rivers and the lakes.”
After finding a small babbling creek (with no waterfall), the woman became very worried that she was not going to make it out of the forest by sundown. She called her best friend, who also speaks in generic quotes.
“Coco Chanel says that ‘A girl should always be two things: classy and fabulous’ so I told her to stay calm and keep her cool and let it be a journey for her,” stated her best friend. “After about an hour she called back and said that she was still lost and her phone was losing battery and she was afraid to lose the phone signal. That’s when I told her to pick a direction and run. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, right? I guess she picked the wrong way because I didn’t hear from her that night. That’s when I called 911.”
A search party was put together the next morning. It was explained to rescue workers that the woman was just trying to live her best life but was most likely in serious danger. Volunteers searched her car to determine if she had purposely gotten lost for attention.
“Over the last few years, ever since that Reese Witherspoon movie came out where she hikes a lot, we’ve seen an increase in people hitting the trails alone and also an increase of people…how do I say this delicately… just, wanting to feel something,” said the lead volunteer.
It was confirmed upon rescue that this was in fact an accident and not a publicity stunt. The woman survived by living off of the granola bars and gum she found shoved in the bottom of her backpack. She sought shelter under the trees for many days and was finally located about .8 miles from her car.
“Did you see the footprints leading out of the woods? There was only one set,” she said as a man carried her to the helicopter.
She later added, “Not all who wander are lost!” and “I took the path less traveled dammit!” before they had to sedate her for treatment. She is expected to make a full recovery after seeking a psychological evaluation.
Dry Bar Comedy Special
This past weekend I arrived in Provo, Utah to film my comedy special with Dry Bar! This is a clean comedy special which will be available to their 8 million + followers. The set will be ready in 6-12 months for viewing on DryBarComedy.com
My new article is up
Megan and Tray just want to have a really good time at the two Halloween parties they are attending this year. As we know from their passive aggressive text messages, money has been very tight ever since they decided to buy their $4,000 purebred dog. A rescue dog was out of the question due to Tray’s “weird allergy thing” and Megan’s overall personality. While they can’t pay for this round of drinks, and can’t pay you back for their portion of the hotel you covered for them, they are really excited to show off their new $300 Halloween costumes they just bought!
The couple recently posted a “preview” of the costumes via Instagram and Facebook. Megan captioned the photo of them in full Aladdin and Jasmine costumes “He can show me the world!!!!! Can’t wait for Emily’s party. Here is a little sneak peak!”
She then followed up the post with a story of her blue glitter dip-powder nails. We reached out to Megan for elaboration on her statement.
“What did my caption mean? I think it’s pretty obviously like a quote from Aladdin,” she said. “We got the outfits custom made on Etsy from a place in Russia or Kosovo or something. Tray is really excited that he doesn’t have to wear a shirt. I was so excited when they arrived that I had to put them on to show everyone!”
Our investigation team found that the photo must have been posted in a hurry, since many articles of clothing were seen on the floor of the bedroom, including items Megan had borrowed from friends and not yet returned, but claimed she gave back months ago.
When asked if posting a preview photo would ruin any sort of surprise element, Megan said it wasn’t a big deal.
“We are actually invited to two parties this year, so this costume is just for Emily’s. We will wear different costumes to Tray’s cousins party! We haven’t decided on them yet. We were thinking maybe a Playboy bunny and Hugh Hefner. I also wanted to see if I could dress my dog up and incorporate him into the costume somehow. People would probably be cool if we brought our dog to the party, right? And the Uber would be cool with that to, right? I mean, it is MY ride!”
We could not answer, but we did reach out to Uber after the interview and found that Megan’s account has been suspended. We attempted to contact Tray for comment, but he was out replacing the screen on his iPhone 11 and could not be reached.
I’m like, dying laughing
Backyard Comedy Series Halloween Edition
The backyard comedy series: In times of Covid-19, a creative and safe alternative to a club! We will be super decked out for Halloween.
Show date: October 3rd at 7pm
comics: Blake Hammond, Andrew Rudick, and more!
Guidelines: Tickets are limited to 25 people. Masks are mandatory and to be worn in the backyard when walking around. BYOB alcohol but drinks and snacks will be available. Bathroom is limited to emergencies only please!
For tickets: Venmo $12 to @KellyCollette with “backyard comedy” and YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS please. Don’t forget your email address please! Vemno $16 and I’ll set aside a kickass tumbler cup for you to take home.
The day before the show you will get the address to the event. We have some chairs available, as well as blankets, but bring whatever you want. Except your kids please. In the event of rain we will be giving refunds. Thank you for supporting live comedy and wearing your masks!
New article on ladyspikemedia.com
Local Man Doesn’t Know All His Facebook Friends Are Sex Robots
KELLY COLLETTE SEPTEMBER 9, 2020
On the surface, it may appear that Fred Burke is just a popular guy, or at least that’s what his friends at the gun club think.
To quote his best friend, “Fred is so popular, he is friends with over 400 women on Facebook, most of them are smoking hot! Some of them are just close up shots of body parts.”
After a slew of high-fives, our investigation team dug deeper into the legitimacy of these friendships.
Fred allowed us access to his computer and his Facebook page. Once inside, we found several friend requests from hot women who cannot spell. These people have zero friends in common with Fred and live outside of his home state. Our team asked Fred how he believes they found his profile.
“It might be my profile picture that drew them in,” he says “I look friendly and easy to talk to.”
Our team uncovered two of Fred’s recent profile pictures. The first image is of Fred, taken upward from a phone. His sunglasses are on but he is clearly inside of a building. The second Facebook photo, which was his original photo posted in 2014, was a logo for The Green Bay Packers.
The hot girl Facebook profiles usually only consisted of one photo, either taken in the mirror or on a bed. They would have very limited interests, and most list Los Angeles as their hometown. One profile photo was just a pair of butt cheeks. After a quick investigation, it was determined that these were fake profiles run by “bots.”
A bot is an autonomous program on a network that can interact with computer systems and users. They are automated, meaning they run according to instructions and without a human user.
Our investigation team attempted to uncover any possible scams run by the bots, and even a few messages between Fred and some of his “friends.” On several occasions, the conversation started with a simple hello, but oddly enough, it was always instigated by Fred.
“I’m just a friendly guy who wants to get to know them better,” claims Fred.
Ultimately, our team felt it best to notify Fred that these were not actual people he was talking to, but sex robots. Fred was both shocked and confused, asking “Are these the evil kind of robots like in The Terminator? Or do you think they can be the good kind of robots, like in that other movie, Austin Powers?”
Our team explained to Fred that these are a different kind of robot. We also informed him that the robots in Austin Powers, while very sexy and seductive, were also evil. We offered to set up a new profile for Fred, but he declined stating, “Just let them take me…”
Laughing Post
Repost from @thelaughingpostky •
Hold up, wait a minute! Kelly Collette is coming to The Laughing Post Comedy Club! Get your tickets for this event...September 25th & 26th, Friday and Saturday will be absolutely laugh out loud hilarious! Kelly Collette is a standup comedian and writer. She was named Best Comedian in 2020 by Citybeat. Her jokes have been featured on Sirius XM and in a segment for NPR. Kelly was a finalist on CMT’s Next Big Comic and tours clubs and colleges throughout the country. She traveled with the Nobodies of Comedy, a nationally hand selected group that tours theaters as “comedians you should know”. She has performed at the prestigious festivals like Limestone, Laughingskull, San Francisco Sketches and The Lucielle Ball Comedy Festival. She recently was on the Best Of The Midwest showcase at Gilda’s Laughfest.
https://www.thelaughingskullky.com/event-info/kellycollette
The Comedy Attic
We’re very excited to present The Comedy Attic & Bloomington headlining debut of Kelly Collette Sept 11-12. You can see the show live and in person OR in your PJs at home! Ticket links in comments! Kelly Collette is a standup comedian and writer. She was named Cincinnati’s Best Comedian in 2020 by Citybeat. Her jokes have been featured on Sirius XM and NPR. Kelly was a finalist on CMT’s Next Big Comic and tours clubs and colleges throughout the country. She traveled with the Nobodies of Comedy, a nationally hand selected group that tours theaters as “comedians you should know”. She has performed at the prestigious festivals like Limestone, Laughingskull, San Francisco Sketches and The Lucielle Ball Comedy Festival. She recently was on the Best Of The Midwest showcase at Gilda’s Laughfest.
Backyard Comedy Series
New Date, September 5th!
Introducing the backyard comedy show! In times of Covid-19, a creative and safe alternative to a club.
Show date: Sept 5 at 7pm
Guidelines: Tickets are limited to 25 people. Masks are mandatory and to be worn in the backyard when walking around. BYOB alcohol but drinks and snacks will be available. Bathroom is limited to emergencies only please!
Comics: Mat Alano-Martin (Bloomington) Paulina Combow (LA) Spark Tabor (Chicago) and Lee Kimbrell (Cincy)
For tickets: Venmo $12 to @KellyCollette with “backyard comedy” and YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS please. If you would like a exclusive backyard comedy tumbler cup included with your ticket, it’s $20 (just put “cup and ticket” in the subject line and I’ll set one aside for you) . Don’t forget your email address please!
The day before the show you will get the address to the event. We have some chairs available, as well as blankets, but bring whatever you want. Except your kids please. In the event of rain we will be giving refunds. Thank you for supporting live comedy and wearing your masks!
Backyard Comedy Series
we are still making lemonade out of lemons
Introducing the backyard comedy show! In times of Covid-19, a creative and safe alternative to a club.
Guidelines: Tickets are limited to 25 people. Masks are mandatory and to be worn in the backyard when walking around. BYOB alcohol but drinks and snacks will be available. Bathroom is limited to emergencies only please!
Comics: Josh O’Neil, John Shroenk and more!
tickets: Venmo $12 to @KellyCollette with “backyard comedy” and YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS please. If you would like a exclusive backyard comedy tumbler cup included with your ticket, it’s $20 (just put “cup and ticket” in the subject line and I’ll set one aside for you) . Don’t forget your email address please!
The day before the show you will get the address to the event. We have some chairs available, as well as blankets, but bring whatever you want. Except your kids please. In the event of rain we will be giving refunds. Thank you for supporting live comedy and wearing your masks!